“I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it.”
— Audrey Hepburn
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“I miss the times you were looking at me . Maybe because it always felt like your soul was trying to reach mine.”
“You’re like a butterfly. Everyone else can see how beautiful you are except for you.”
— tara love / if only you would look into a mirror
Things I Didn’t Know Were Symptoms of C-PTSD
- Getting overwhelmed in crowds
- Getting upset or angry at a loud alarm
- Ordinary nightmares (that have nothing to do with the circumstances, just stupid nightmares much more often than the average person)
- Getting sharp pains in your back/neck/collarbones that make it hard to breathe (due to hypervigilance/constant high anxiety)
- Learning that “high anxiety” does not mean “generalized anxiety” like other people have with panic attacks and not feeling that they can accomplish thing. PTSD anxiety just means this frenetic energy that makes you want to talk/think/do things (even as an introvert) to avoid stopping.
- Feeling constantly bored like you have to chase after something, even if you’re just at home: I spend hours on tumblr, pinterest, watching tv, reading books, making art, never just laying there alone…because if you stop…the darkness is there
- Thinking up stories before bed. This is a symptom of high anxiety because you’re trying to calm down and fall asleep in a “safe world” where people are looking out for you and caring for you.
- Trouble falling asleep (which is distinct from insomnia) because turning off electronics etc. doesn’t help since your heartrate/fight or flight response is engaged
- Periods of racing heart (mine has gotten to 120bpm for five hours) that make you feel like you’re waiting for something to happen
- Exaggerated startle response. When I was a kid I used to hide behind corners to surprise my sisters. Two years ago my friend hid under my desk to scare me. I literally screamed, fell out of the chair, and started crying. She was laughing because she thought the joke went well, and then got concerned because I kept crying.
- Purposefully “tanking” a bad day with sad music/tv/movies/books because it “was already ruined anyway”
I was naïeve believing that you were my friend while you actually wanted me for selfish reasons
Insomnia
I stayed awake at night
Trying to trace
And follow
All the life and sparks
Once the emptiness
Takes its place
Inside my chest
Inside my head
I honestly hate how I could be having a good time but then I suddenly get startled and start dissociating and my mood is ruined for the rest of the day